I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
