Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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