Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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