let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
