Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My feet surprised me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
