those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
