Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
