this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
