when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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