you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
