you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
