you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
