No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
