A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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