Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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