i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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