Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
