There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
