just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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