I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
