it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
