Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Damn victory sex feels great
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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