after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
