Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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