Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
