My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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