How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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