I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
