Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
