WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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