You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
