then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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