those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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