Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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