I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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