New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
