Can i not drive my cunt home
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
