some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
