Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
