yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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