So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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