my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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