After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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