It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
