dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize