id be glad to
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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