I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
