Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
