I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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