Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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