I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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