why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
