at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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