theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize