am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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